8 Punishments For Pirates That Would Make Kim Jong-un Blush

Overt DRM is a headache for most people, so sometimes developers embed highly sneaky, cheeky-breeky torturous ways to get back at pirates into their games instead. Here’s a selection that would make Kim Jong-un blush with pride.

1. Serious Sam 3 – The Scorpion

Serious Sam 3 is a super-powered mock-FPS romp equipped with only 8 weapons. But what if you have an omnipotent red scorpion in lieu of mortal enemies? Well, the only possible solution is to bend down, put your head in between your legs, and kiss your ass good-bye.

2. The Witcher 2 – Model swapping

Even though CD Projekt  Red on the premise that DRM is inherently bad, they’ve still got ways to encourage people to buy their games legally. Case in point: if you decide to romance a fair village maiden on a pirated copy, she will promptly turn into… the above.

3. The Sims 4 – Pixelated graphics

Pirate The Sims 4, and you’ll be treated to cutting-edge 80s porno.

4. Arkham Asylum – Error: Batman.exe has stopped working

Rocksteady’s cheeky way to get on pirates’ goats was to remove Batman’s ability to glide, and considering it’s crucial in the first mission alone, trying to advance without it will inevitably result in the Caped Crusader’s death. So many people thought it was a bug, Rocksteady responded with this gem: “It’s not a bug in the game’s code, it’s a bug in your moral code.” Cold.

5. Crysis Warhead – Chickens for ammo

Crysis: Warhead was very much ahead of its time. Especially in its choice of ammo. If the game detected you were using a crack, it would replace all the bullets with chickens (complete with clucking!) and after spawning enough, your PC will entirely give in. But hey, at least now you know that the chicken came before the egg! *snrk*

6. GTAIV – Drunk Niko

If you had the misfortune of using the wrong crack for GTAIV, then the game turns unplayable as in the intervening time between the first mission and you getting out of the safehouse, Niko seems to have chugged a dozen vodkas. YELLOW CAAAAAAAR! *vomits*

7. Michael Jackson: The Experience – VUVUZELAS

Steal the King of Pop’s work? Well get ready for some serious EAR-RAPING! Honestly, we’ll let the video speak for this one.

8. Game Dev Tycoon – Pirates bankrupt your company

Ermahgerd, who woulda thought pirating games puts people outta business!? /s

Bonus: Don’t Copy Them Memes

For those of you who grew up in the dial-up era, enjoy.


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