Truly the most celebrated part of one of the most celebrated fighting games in a long time is the character creator in Soul Calibur 6. On one level, it lets you bring your badass imagination to life, creating characters that can stand up to extremely serious official fighters like the spooky ghost pirate Cervantes. On another level, it lets you make total whackjobs out of nerd icons and force them to hit each other with sticks.
Woody
If there was one character we know is ready for battle, it’s Woody from Toy Story. Put aside the fact that he’s literally a toy for a minute and remember that he was voiced by America’s dad, Tom Hanks. See, in your mind’s eye, Tom Hanks laying the smackdown on noble knight Siegfried and his totally-not-compensating giant sword, or S&M contortionist Voldo. “Reach for the sky!” indeed.
Pikachu
See, this guy knows what’s going on with the Soul Calibur 6 character creator. They didn’t just make a Pikachu–they made a swole Pikachu. The Soul Calibur 6 character creator doesn’t limit your imagination, so why should you? This Pikachu looks like he ate Team Rocket for breakfast and used Ash and Misty to do bench presses. Swole Pikachu makes me wonder why we haven’t seen “sexy” versions of all of our childhood icons. That was not a challenge, character creators.
Sonic
Now this is what can go wrong with the character creator when you try to match the source too exactly. Yes, the real Sonic the Hedgehog has a beige belly much like the pasty flesh seen here. However, Sonic’s belly is covered in fur, not an oval-shaped peekaboo. If you ever wanted to see Sonic’s nipples, well, we’ve got you covered (or uncovered). At least they got the ring-themed weapon right! Which somehow makes him even sexier … hmm…
Bob Ross
It’s not the Joy of Painting anymore; it’s the Joy of Killing! Clearly the best part of this Bob Ross Soul Calibur 6 character is his enormous sword/paintbrush. Ross whacking his paintbrush on the easel to knock of excess paint was always the most mesmerizing part of the show, and now you can put those paintbrush-whacking skills to use destroying Ross’s enemies. Let’s paint some happy little trees … of blood!
Zoidberg
Why not Zoidberg? As this character creator has clearly demonstrated: for so many horrifying reasons. Imagine this squid-faced, lobster-clawed, lab-coated monster coming after you in the middle of the night. The most terrifying beast every built in Soul Calibur 6. Woop woop woop woop you’re dead.
Kirby
Oh nevermind. Here’s the real most terrifying Soul Calibur 6 fighter. Maybe we can all just acknowledge that there are some popular characters who will never be recreated in a character creator, no matter how advanced it is. This doesn’t look like Kirby as much as it looks like a deeply-disturbed body-modder’s attempt to make himself into Kirby. I particularly ‘enjoy’ the massive jeweled nipples/eyeballs and gaping, always hungry, maw in the belly.
Ms. Pac-Man
And, yet again, I spoke too soon. This is the actually really most horrible Soul Calibur 6 character. On the other hand, at least here the character’s face has been covered up with a giant bulbous growth in the shape of a bow. The ghosts are definitely going to be afraid of her, no need to eat any fruit to make them run. I think my favorite part here is the anime pop idol pose that Ms Pac-Man has taken on, as though that is the thing that will make her charming.
Pikotaro
Alright, at least this is a human. I’ll give you a minute to see if you can remember who this guy is. Hint: take a look at his weapons. That’s right, it’ the Pen-pineapple-apple-pen singer, Japanese comedian Pikotaro. And now that song is stuck in your head for the rest of the day. You are very welcome.
King of All Cosmos
Now this one is a real accomplishment. Look at his stern visage. No one would dare take on the King of All Cosmos. I wish I could see what the King of Cosmos’special moves look like. Can he roll his opponents up together with detritus from around the arena?
Gallagher
This character creator has recreated the greatest battle of all time right in Soul Calibur 6. Armed with his trusty hammer, Gallagher is ready to take on his lifelong foe. Weary of always being the punchline to a comedy show, the watermelon has sprouted limbs and a head and come to find the man that thinks it’s funny to smash watermelon baby eggs on a stage for the entertainment of middle America.
A Pistachio
At last, someone with an original idea for a Soul Caliber 6 character. Doesn’t it seem like everything these days is just a remake of something else? There have been about six Spider-Men and twelve Batmen and Jokers. Isn’t it nice to see something original for a change? This pistachio, while clearly made from two turtle shells, is a clarion call for greater authenticity in not only Soul Calibur 6 character creation, but in the world of the arts more broadly. Who will answer the call?
