After letting any old joker add games to Steam, Valve have gone to the next level by allowing “Adults Only” (ie. porn) games on the platform. They may be carefully hidden behind several layers of warnings, but they are there. And they are weird.
Needless to say, all of these videos are extremely NSFW. Actually, lets just say this whole article is pretty NSFW, unless your work is an adult bookstore. Also, there’s a lot of anime here, so there’s some reference to sexual violence ahead, so be aware of that too. You know what? Don’t even bother reading this article. Why don’t you go outside instead?
Oh, you’re still here? Brave soul.
Let’s start with something relatively wholesome, for extremely small values of ‘wholesome’. This game is a throwback to the days of shareware DOS hentai games, where you complete a sliding tile puzzle to reveal a sexy image. The developers insist it is not actually pornography because there is no “intercourse” and that it is just for “enjoying the aesthetics of the female body.”
In this nightmare vision of the future, “Nazi Muslims” have banned all kinds of fun and awesome things like miniskirts, LGBT people, and free parking. And also they have banned anime, which I guess is the worst part? As an “Anime boy” you have to “save your heritage,” which translates to “find a lot of awful hentai” images by playing a rote shooter game Is it an incredibly tone-deaf joke? Or just the inevitable result of the worst corners of the internet finally finding each other? It’s less than a dollar to find out.
This game is described as the “sweet” and “cute” story of a man who opens his own patisserie, but somehow forgot that there were two catgirls mixed in with his ovens and dough mixers. Catgirls/maids help you run your shop and then later you can barge into them in the bath. This is a game for a person who has been alone for so long that his cats are starting to look pretty.
Key feature: Breast jiggle toggle
It would be unfair to categorize all these games as pure wank material with little to no artistic value. For instance, in this dark and gritty revenge story about ” the abandonment of objects against the arrogance of human beings”, you play an inflatable sex doll that has come to life and has to collect stars by flying around and inflating/deflating herself. The stars symbolize the Sisyphean task of self-actualization. The game is very hard because “in reality, an inflatable doll can be very difficult to resist.” I think I smell a Turner Prize.
Do you feel the need to interrupt your game playing with occasional bursts of pornography? Or to interrupt your pornography viewing with occasional bursts of gaming? Then you will be very happy to discover this 2048 clone that includes not only the ability to uncover pornography, but also the ability to first inflate women’s chests!
On the other hand, maybe you don’t actually want real gameplay in among your dirty pictures. In that case, you want Catgirl Magic Furry Duel, a purported deck builder that is actually just every kindergartner’s favorite card game, War. In a game where they is only one possible action you can take, the controls (control?) are bugged so bad that 90% of the time you can’t even draw a card. Just keep whacking space! No, I said “space,” not… nevermind.
This is one of the most popular Adults Only games on Steam, with Very Positive reviews. At first glance, it’s pretty innocuous: a formulaic JRPG with dungeons, a titillating visual novel, and a bunch of dirty pictures. In this world, only the strongest Knights can have multiple wives, “to pass down their superior genes” like a stud. A literal stud, you know, a horse. But not only that, the reason the hero wants to become a knight is because he wants to marry his own twin sisters. Oh, and also you can catch sexy female monsters like Pokemon. This game is literally the definition of ‘objectify’.
Likewise, this game looks pretty cool at first. Sure, all the monsters are big-chested anime girls, but the platforming looks solid. Then you see what happens when your character gets knocked down by one of the monsters … spoiler alert, it’s sex. And each monster has a unique animation! To collect! So you are trying to kill all the monsters, but also, if you lose, you get porn. I am very confused, as, I suspect, the hero of this game is.
Okay, all joking aside, this is it. This is the real sexiest game on steam. Just piles on piles of pictures of the hottest meat online. Topless, swimsuit, holding sausages. Just look at those curves! And that Santa hat! Rawr. Great gameplay too. The puzzles are super duper challenging, especially when that “cock” comes out to “tease” you by randomly shuffling the tiles. Please excuse me, I have some more research to do for this article.