Ahh, multiplayer FPSes. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. There’s always at least a single reason to get any player to run amok in every session. Whether it’s the lag, your teammates or yourself, we all learnt an important lesson on day one: don’t take it out on your computer like this kid does:
That being said, let’s get to the 11 things all FPS players hate:
1. Back Seat Gamers
One pet peeve of mine when it comes to FPSes is that one teammate that can’t keep their trap shut. Shouting at people to hide, do what they want, share equipment with them, it’s amazing they haven’t had the banhammer brought down on them yet. The only solution? The mute button.
With their no-clips and their speedhacks and their aimbots and sundry, cheaters keep finding new ways to gain an unfair advantage in the game and dwarf the rest of us. All those years spent training, thrown out the window in minutes by a teleporting trashcan! In newer games, anti-cheating programmes usually get them thrown out, but if they don’t work, just have an admin review the bastards’ accounts and watch the salty basement dweller tears come out.
3. Toxic Players
Like the evil doppelganger of an NFL commentator, unlike the constructive banter they give, these players’ only job is to kvetch about everything everyone does, with such choice epithets as “n00b”, “fucktard”, and “[literally screeching into the mike]”, these people are very self-aggrandizing, imagining themselves to be benevolent advice-givers while Leeroy Jenkins-ing their way through every mission. *banhammering intensifies*
4. Slow-Ass Reloading
Reloading is one of those things that you just can’t skip over, unless you’re in Hollywoodland, where everyone has unlimited clips. But that couple of seconds can prove fatal when an enemy suddenly rounds the corner. Gotta get that muscle memory down pat, dude.
5. Microphone Spamming
Another prime reason why people should just stick to the chat, mic spammers looooove to talk. But something’s always wrong at their end, which causes everything they say to sound like either paper being crumpled or an echo chamber from hell. Just put them on mute, problem solved.
Smurfs are what you’d call someone who makes a new account to look like another n00b on the streets, but has actually spent, like, 99% of their formative years honing their skills. End result? Watch as the new gal/guy trolls everyone else. Oh well, what can you do? They’re not really cheating or anything…
7. Friendly Fire
We’ve all been kicked out of a game while in the heat of battle because a stray bullet hit one of our own teammates… Friendly fire is a bit hit-or-miss. Some games have it, some don’t, so the only way to go about finding out is to have one of your own play guinea pig. Just don’t overdo it.
8. Zero Coöperation
First person shooters aren’t always about who can rack up the most kills. Sometimes there’s an actual objective to be followed. When that’s the case, whether you like it or not, you gotta make with the teamwork. Of course, because most FPS players go “Ooooh, shiny!” only like all of the damn time, gg wp no re.
9. Jill of No Trades, Master of One
This only applies to hero/class-based shooters like Paladins, Overwatch, and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege. Mastering a certain hero or class can be a big boon to your team’s success quotient. But what happens when the hero/class you’re comfortable with’s been swiped by someone else? Time to get out of the comfort zone, boiiii.
This devil’s spawn is a staple of first-person shooters, staying put in one place, just waiting for their prey to come blunder around the corner (that means you, pumpkin) and bang, there goes the neighbourhood! (And your brains). Don’t worry, with enough effort, you can sniff these sneaky fuckers out by simply memorizing where they like to hide, and then all you gotta do is flash-bang (or ‘nade, depending on how brutal you’re feeling that day) away.
11. The Lag
*enemy spotted* *you aim and shoot* *game freezes for like two seconds* *keystroke didn’t go through* *you fail* *you are now ded* *fuck*