ESRB ratings are everyone’s first go-to when choosing a game. But sometimes, they lead us straight into an Ackbarian trap! Here’s five dirty scenes in games you wouldn’t expect them to be.
Rockstar’s games are very much sexually-laced. That’s the rub with ’em: for maximum realism, every adult element of the real world must be included. But with the Teen-rated Bully, there were some scenes included we definitely did NOT expect to be there at all.
In one of the game’s earliest missions, you’re tasked with getting back chocolates belonging to Eunice, a quite …big-boned slob of a schoolgirl. After you return them to her, she grabs you and gives you big old smooch. Awks. Not quite dirty, but still enough to mess up your childhood.
2. Smack Down vs RAW
This game is so unbelievably violent and bloody it’s a wonder a Teen rating got slapped on it. Reportedly inspiring multiple instances of real-life abuse, there was also one really controversial mode in the game: Bra and Panties.
Res ipsa loquitur.
3. Soul Calibur II
One of the first-ever fighting games for the PS2, this title holds special meaning to fighting aficionados, ranking amongst other big names like Tekken. Rated suitable for teens by the ESRB, this game is supposed to be kid-friendly. And it is. At least until you get to Ivy Valentine.
And therefrom begins the objectification.
4. Senran Kagura Burst
Okay, seriously though, how the hell did a game featuring prominent boobage right on the cover art get rated Teen while Ace Attorney got MATURE!??? Was the ESRB high on something?????
The game features female ninjas with abnormally-sized breasts and extremely ill-fitting clothing. Rated T for teens my ass.
5. Literally every pirated PS2 game ever
If you live in Southeast Asia, you’ll know what I’m talking about. People who make pirated games often don’t have the time or fucks to give to alter every minutiae of the cover art, so they’ll just mash up elements from different covers. Which usually results in stuff like Leisure Suit Larry or GTA: San Andreas being “rated” Teen. Yay.