Your Top 8 Excuses For Sucking At Online Games

Okay, imagine this. You’re happily gallivanting around the map in your online game. Bullets whizzing around you! Russians screaming “RUSH B SUKA” into their mics! Some idiot on the opposing team just accidentally ‘naded their own teammates! (or was it…intentional *cue dramatic chipmunk*) Ahh, truly another perfect day of your life, an online gamer.

Then it hits you. Point blank, might I add. Out of nowhere, you’ve been ripped out of your precious session, and now have to wait to re-spawn! You string up curses that’d make your nana smack you good. Unsurprisingly, it’s all the same. All the excuses and lies you’ve used over the years, they just plumb don’t hold any currency any more. Exhausted and defeated, you decide that crawling up to a corner in your real-life room and curling up into the fetal position is the only appropriate response.

Let’s get real. We’ve all played our fair share of the blame game. These eight excuses for losing are so shopworn, they sound like lines from a raunchy-yet-cliched Venezuelan telenovela your mom wouldn’t let you watch (STAR World, anyone?).

1. “Teh Lagz!!!1”

No judgment here, guys. We’ve all used “lag” as an excuse for why we couldn’t shoot that tango in time. Lag is the most time-honored excuse for, er, “unintended” desertion of duty on the battlefield. That’s because we’ve all been there, what with telcos all looking to make a quick buck out of us schmendriks while providing the. worst. service. possible. ever.  (Not everyone is lucky enough to be blessed with a 1 Gigabit MyRepublic connection, mind you!) Using lag as an excuse automatically defers you from any judgment you might receive from your peers of how lame a player you are! Of course, we’ll never be able to tell if you really do just suck or is blessed with the awesome fortune of lagging every time someone puts a bullet in your brain! Kek.


2. “Like, I haven’t really played this for a while…”

Gamers have off-line lives too. We go to school, hold 9-to-5 jobs, pay taxes, just like the rest of the world. We have real-world obligations that sometimes conflict with our playtime. But that’s no excuse for sucking. If you meet someone who uses this as an excuse, check out their profile and see how many hours they’ve logged in the past couple of weeks. If their statement checks out, okay then. But if not, you must do your duty to the sacred precepts of our Lord and Savior Gabe Newell (may Portal III manifest itself on Earth as it is in Heaven) and kill their ass dead. Nice try, dude, but no cigar.

3. “My keyboard/mouse/whatever ain’t working!”

I used to encounter that one player who can’t play for shit, claiming their trackball’s stuck or something every. damn. time. Now that we live in 2018, the lyrics may be slightly different, but they’re still singing the same tune. “My mouse’s out of battery!”. “I’m not used to these key assignments!”. “What the hell is a macro!?”. *facedesk*. On a console, the same holds true. “My dualshock’s busted” or “out of battery!” are common rallying cries for noobs. Oh please. A three-year-old could do better with a laptop trackpad than you.

4. “Concentration has been disrupted. Terrorists win.”

“Im in y0ur int3rwebz, m3ssing up y0ur g4m3” -Your cat

Isn’t it plain annoying when your kitten just jumps up on your keyboard and makes it its new home, or maybe your backyard pool just caught on fire like the damn Cuyahoga! Whatever it is, there’s plenty of reasons why you’re concentration may be disrupted during a particularly intense session. Now you can use either of the reasons I just concocted to avoid being called out for not having your Sarge’s back while trying to infiltrate the enemy camp! No need to thank me.


5. Blameception: blame the game itself

If you play multiplayer games a lot, I can confirm plus chop that you’ve heard a teammate blame a bug in the Matrix at least once. These people have the aynredenish where any tsuris they run into can simply be passed off as a bug. Stuff like “I pressed X but nothing happened!” and “I was just stuck here for a coupla seconds” are just some of the gazillion excuses I’ve heard (hell, I even pulled one myself while playing PUBG! Gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do, amirite?)

6. “My team is like The Expendables, except instead of ripped action heroes, they’re all NERDDDDDDDDDS!”

With the obvious exception of fighter games like Tekken, most online games put you into a ragtag band of misfits, sharing an identity with people from all walks of life. And, according to you, every single person on your team (except you ofc) sucks. Ass. This is how the toxic culture of multiplayer online games was born. Everyone scrambling to blame each other for the failures instead of sucking it up and learning from their mistakes. You can do better.

7. “LOL, that was just me warming up.”

The scene is filled with uber-bougie noobs who think they’re sooo above everyone else. They say stuff like “lol gg wp no re” just to “get in the zone”, all the while aggravating you. But these people usually crash and burn on their first level, and it’s what makes the match even more intense, because when you trounce their asses, voila! Instant bragging rights. Now exercise those rights all the while savoring every Schadenfreudian moment of them rage-quitting (remember that German kid who flipped out playing Unreal Tournament?)

8. Their cheating heart

Finally, this is our top excuse of the day. Everyone knows that with enough practice, you too can walk the hallowed halls of those who move like ninjas and absolutely ace every scoreboard in the game. Of course, you’d much rather call them cheaters. Why not? It’s a surefire way to get yourself some of that sweet, sweet credibility you’ve been after! Plus, you get to burn their asses. Hard. All you need to do is to say the magic words: “Awesome cheating m8” and bingo!

Of course, actual cheaters are a real bane on online gaming, but it’s pretty easy to differentiate those who are cheating and those who are just naturally skilled. If you can’t prove your j’accuse, get ready to be ejected.

Original article by Muhammad Maulana.

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